Dear him 

Why

Why me 

What did I do 

You’ve ruined my life. You’ve ripped taylor away and she’s replaced by this monster who hates herself more and more. I’m plagued a year and a half later with nightmares. I still see your face. You got away with it.  Is it fair that every single time I see you I shake on the outside not just inside and I cry and run away I panic. Is it fair you ripped me away.  Is it fair each day I remember and it hits me at the most awkward of times. I can sit and talk to my friends and te memories hit me I see it happen again I can smell the same smells.  Is it fair I’m terrified. Is t fair I hate myself and I struggle with self harm more and more everyday and is it fair I can’t even eat certain foods because it reminds of you and makes me sick. Is it fair that I want to rip my skin open and tear every vein out because I stopped living a year and a half ago. Is it fair I’m scared to sleep because almost every night I have a nightmare and is it fair that I hate everyone because you made me so angry at the world that I get angry at everyone for nothing. I’ve nervous hated myself more. I eat and eat in hope that if I gain so much weight that no one will want to be with me because nowadays it’s alll about looks it’s takes the pain away for a while. It’s. takes the torture away everyday I eat for hours on end even past the point of feeling ill because it takes it away. The psychical pain takes away the memories inside my head   I’m scared  I’m scared everyday I don’t even get in a taxi by myself because I’m so scared I can’t be around people I’m so paranoid that someone will do it again. The soon as I start getting close to someone I freak out and move away or push them away so they hate me because I couldn’t deal with it again. Invalidation from people saying I shouldn’t be angry at you and you know what part of me isn’t. A huge part of me is but a tiny part isn’t. Why your probably asking   I don’t hate you because everything happens for a reason and me reporting yeah it was over a month late but when I did it was documented in the police notes and when you done it again it was brought up and yeah I didn’t get justice but thy did and do I feel bad that I never hell yeah because if I did it wouldn’t have happened to those two young girls but as I said I don’t hate you because when I’m dead. I don’t want to be dead knowing you’ve won  you’ve ripped my life apart and you’ve destroyed me mentally but I know I AM  a better person because  when a doctor said you didn’t know what you were doing you did  you knew how to play people and okay off that your ill because when we were alone you told me everything you told people you couldn’t remember your a fucking liar but I want to believe that you were ill and you didn’t just go out your way to destroy people’s lives and I guess that’s just because I’m a nice person and see the best in everyone even when they’re horrible nasty despicable people I still like to think there’s some good in them  I waited a month to report it because I had no evidence and because I was ashamed  when you done it again I had no choice. You then went on to do it it 3 other people. I’m disgusted to say I knew you I want you dead but I also want you to live because I want you to live with the consequences everyday and te memories you destroyed so many lives and you deserve no happiness whatsoever but what I do wish is that you never have to experience what my family had to  and I hope you never have to experience your daughter trying to rip her veins open everyday to get rid of the internal pain because that’s something no family should have to watch 

Dear gran 

There’s nothing in this world I want more than you 

There’s nothing that will ever take your place 

Today is one of those days where missing you is hard. 

I’ve been crying all day because I need you. I need you more than ever. 

I’m heading off the rails again and I need you to bring me back on track again. I need you to tell me I’m going to be ok. I need you to show me the right way. The sad thing is I don’t remember much from being young.  I never got to say good bye. You and mum feel out for seven years. Seven years I won’t get back. Seven years I could’ve spent with you. I want nothing more than to be that 4 year old suiting on your knee having you put my socks on and your long nails tickling my feet. Now I hate my feet or any part of me being tickled because it’s painful. It’s painful because I want it to be you again. It brings back the memories of that time. The time my life was innocent and calm and happy. Yeah mum and dad weren’t nice but you were.  You made me feel safe. You made me feel loved. Your channel number 5 smell on my clothes. I remember asking granda if I could go to the park and youse saying no their was rats but it was actually b cause it was as raining.  

You sheltered me from so much. 

I fucking miss you. 

I miss your smile and your laugh and and I loved the smell of smoke on you 

That’s why I have such an obsession with smelling smoke because it reminds me off you

Saying goodbye is hard because your mine

Saying goodbye is killing me 

I know it needs to be done but I can’t bring myself.  I can’t bring myself to say it.  I keep thinking I’m going to get a phone call  I say it was a cruel joke and your still living almost 13 years and it’s not any easier in a few weeks it’s gone so fast and I want you now   In fact I don’t want you I need you.  I need you to protect me again. I need you to make me happy again I need you here right this minute 

It breaks me knowing I won’t get even one more day with you. I lost both you and granda within the space of five months in  he same year. It broke his heart and he died  I guess a broken heart can kill you   I know he had cancer I lost the two of youse. 

Every night this week I’ve cried because I need you right now. Everything is tits up and I want you to hold me again and wipe my tears away and say you love me. Those words I’ve not heard and someone mean it since you died. I have no one right now and I wish I had you. It kills me more and more because I need you more than ever it’s almost 4 years since Louise and gran Hannah died and almost 13 since you and granda died and I’m almost 21 and I don’t get to have it with you  I don’t get to have it with one of the most influential people in my life and that kills me.  You made me the person I am today. You made me the loving kind caring person I am today. You made me happy and talking to you very night makes me feel better. I wish I could see you one last time. I know how disappointed you would be in me and I know this is going to be the hardest birthday ever because you aren’t see me turn into an adult and that kills me  

I fucking miss and love you so much 

My mind bpd and bipolar 

How does this affect me. Let me tell you 

I go from one extreme to the next. I’m unfortunate enough to have rapid cycling bipolar. So I go between extremes within a day sometimes others I stick in a mood for weeks sometimes even months  some m things that happen to me is 

I feel so much pain and hurt   I cry at everything and anything but no one notices ,why? Because I can hide it well I’ve spent the last 6 years hiding this monster. I numb myself through alcohol drugs self harm anything that takes the pain away. Anything that will give me a peace for even two minutes.  I spent each day getting up at 6 am because I DONT contribute to making myself worse. I get up and I get dressed spend hours doing makeup other times I don’t I get dressed and I cry.  I cry because I’m in so much pain that no one can see because it’s mental pain   I cry because I wish it was over. I wish I didn’t have to put a fake smile on and I wish I didn’t have to live like this. I make jokes about wanting to be dead and people take it as jokes the ironic thing is though I’m serious. It’s debilitating. I get through each day and at the end I the day go a run because I’m that hour I’m running I’m free I’m distracted but as soon as I’m home and I’m that shower I break down. I cry so long and so hard I go numb   I get out the shower after like three hours and lie on my bed I cry myself to sleep praying that a higher  power takes this away from me praying that I somehow die in my sleep. Leaving my door unlocked so if someone was to break in they would kill me crossing the road and hoping that someone accidentally nudges you and you fall because then it would be an accident. Then your family wouldn’t be hurt because there wouldn’t be that I could’ve saved her I could’ve done this or I could’ve done that. 

The funny thing is you know your struggling but no one else does because no one would care. No one would care that you don’t see anyways out and you keep thinking tht each day your one step closer to dying and that is the only relief your going to get.  All your friends disappearing because they only want to help when your doing well because why would they care about you now. The truth is and the sad truth is no one cares  no one cares that you could just disappear and they wouldn’t even notice. Your parents walked away from you your family turned they’re back on you because they don’t know how to help. Not all of them have but lost have.  Feeling the most alone you’ve ever done. Your mental health detrioting that ha that all you do si vomit you can’t keep food or water down your head pounds your bones sore your throats buring and your Jose is blocked all because of your mental health. You see mental health isn’t just mental pain   For everybody when they’re mental health is so so so bad they’re psychical health detriotes it’s part of mental illness  any doctor I’ve spoken to says the first thing they look at when Simone is low is they’re pcyshical health as that tells them how much they were struggling which is sad but it does affect that. Sleep how is sleep affected? Sometimes you sleep all the time other nights you don’t sleep at all.  Goo because either pretty much nonexistent or you eat all the time  you lose interest in everything. Your job college friends everything. It all gets to much and you stop participating
The highs 

Here’s a laugh for youse 

When I’ve been on a high. I’ve climbed the roof of my flat screaming infact howling like a wolf thinking I was a werewolf. Police called me saying I was becoming my other half.  Hallucinating. I’ve seen kokeys on my bed. I’ve seen Jesus standing on my roof  I’ve seen gorillas and ostriches running up my street and me outside with a leash trying to catch them.  I’ve seen victorians and cowboys outside my house shooting guns. I’ve saw aliens in my mirrors and faces on my roof. I’ve thought about killing people like genuiley Doing a massacre thinking I would get away with it.  I’ve seen myself running up Nd down my street in my underwear in the pouring rain screaming “I’m alive and the rain is purifying my souls ” I’ve seen myself try and set up a Jesus camp because I though Jesus was my dad and I was his messagner and his special child and was chosen to give his message out. I’ve listened to music an had the lyrics tell me about how my pyschiatrist was trying to kill me. I was sure I was half italiani and was going to join the mafia. I thought I was a vampire and was going to duck people blood. I was obsess with killing people like I researched how to kill people and get away with it.  I thought FBI was after me and would check their website to see if I was on it   I’ve seen myself bouncing around to frank Sinatra at 3 am  I argue with people all the time I andò this when I’m low as well. My paranoia gets even worse   My brain goes all fast and buzzy and impossible to function. My anxiety goes horrible 
These are not  hinges to want to experience. Bipolar is a horrible illness it does not make you Coll to have it 

Suicidal not suicidal 

People say if you think about suicide then your suicidal but hat happens when your just passive suicidal and not actively suicidal 

Passive meaning you think about it. Everyone who has committed suicide or attempted have experienced this. It’s where you think about dying maybe even how it would happen or feeling like you want to but not actually making the descion to do it.  

Actively suicidal is the stage after passively suicidal. It where You’ve reached that point where you’ve planned it or even beginning to.  How it would happen where it would happen what letters to write who to say sorry to.  It then may lead on to an attempt or a succession in suicide 

Many people miss the signs till it’s to late or like many mental health professionals choose to ignore the signs   They could ignore them because of the type of illness they have especially what I’ve found with bpd or borderline personality disorder.   They tend to jut think it’s them making threats but what happens when those threats are carried out because they weren’t threats they were actually them saying they needed help but again they were turned away  again they were basically told to get on with it 

Many people don’t realise most people will mention something about suicide before actually attempting or even completing it just many people miss it 

Some signs could be 

Them isolating themselves 

Emotional over reaction ( rhe sligjtest thing making them cry ) 

Anger 

Maybe self harm 

Looking or talking about death or things that could kill them even if it sounds like they’re joking 

Being distant 

Pushing people away 

Some people NOT EVERYONE may neglect themselves or hobbies 

As above some people may keep up hobbies or appearances to make people think they’re ok 
These are just a small amount of things that could happen 

Please if you think someone is suicidal talk to them ask them. You COULD save a life. It’s such a taboo topic but everyone just be on guard as it affects more people than we know 

Don’t leave it to late and have that I wish I had asked. Ask now 

Addiction 

I’m going to start by saying this 

I’ll be honest. I was part of that group of people who thought addiction was a choice not as in a choice that you can choose the addiction but as in you could choose dyer you’ve been helped But now I see that it isn’t it isn’t a fucking choice it tears families apart 

My experience 

Ive had family memeber addicted to drugs tried to take their own life depressed paranoid and almost lost them on several occasions. I’ve saw them wreck houses and rooms and get angry and scream and shout. I’ve saw them think that they’re job marley bit even as in just think they are but genuley BELIVE  be so caught up in their paranoia and delusions that they don’t se they’re ill. Almost losing people lose to me due to drugs comedown is heartbreaking I grew up thinking you had a choice with drugs     Alcohol  not so much but drugs yes you could choose whether you take drugs are not and I’m fucking ashamed I held that belief   People don’t choose now.  Now I see there’s little education people donut to numb how they feel. Escape reality to just have no emoitions because feeling is harder than not feeling the reality without drugs is hard the reality is what they want to escape 

Alcohol I’ve had a family member addicted. I always felt bad I always said why the duck would they donut again but the truth is thy couldn’t cope. I watched my family be heartbroken time and time again as we watched them spiral out of control. Rocking up to my house drunk. So drunk they fall over urinating all over the walls and roof falling and smashing they’re head off a pavement  losing their license because they’ve been cautght driving under the influence   I underestimated how much of a grip alcohol gets in You well any addiction.  It seems so innocent one drunk won’t hurt but what happens when that one drink turns into two orbthat two turns into a bottle and that one bottle turns into everyday being so drunk. Waking up and the first thing you want infact not want but crave is alcohol. Feeling like that’s the only thing that gets you the only reason to be alive. Not your family but alcohol because it’s the only thing that knows you. The only thing that helps.  That is till it wears off what are you going to do now. Pounding headache all your problems return what are you going to do. Open another bottle you guess. Drink it away. Drown your sorrows as the saying goes   And here theur  family is wishing they could see. Wishing thy could just ducking see how much their family care and want them back but their family no they aren’t coming back.   See that’s the thing with addiction wheter it’s alcoholic drugs 

Ive seen so many people go through the same with family members and it breaks my heart because you feel isolated you feel no one understands but there’s always someone who does.  And knowing that you can go to someone is a god send if anybody goes through this message me I’ll be an ear to listen recovery  is possible for their family members and they need to remember its hard it’s difficult but YOUR NEVER ALONE 

I CAN NOW SAY HONESLTY NY EYES ARE OPENED TO JUST HOW KYCH ADDICTION AFFECTS SO MANY PEOPLE 

Recovery

What’s recovery like 

Everyone expects it to be an easy breeze  everyone expects self harm to be a thing if the last   The paranoia no more.  The sadness and suicidal thoughts gone but in actual fact it’s going back and forward sitting in the bath under the shower crying because even though you know it’s a tough day you still want to rip your veins open and feel nothing 

People think people with bipolar or bpd always feel numb or empty but I don’t. I feel sad I feel happy I feel angry and infact I crave that numb feeling. I never ever feel numb or empty but I want to not as in I never want emotions but more as I want to numb my head. I want to numb the noise the chaos  FIX PAIN WITH PAIN sort of thing. Unless you’ve lived it you won’t know what it’s like  even on medication I still see things. I still get suicidal I still get paranoid I still hear things and I still get suicidal and Alec harm urges. Everyone says recovery is a beautiful thing it’s where your free to be and do whatever you want without your demons but it’s not it’s crying at 3am because you want to die because you just can’t cope but you know somehow you have to. Because it’s just a bad day. It’s pushing through doing your makeup smiling because te term fake it till you make it springs to mind but all you want is someone to see behind those smiles and look into your eyes an see your breaking. See that your dying on the inside but living on the outside. It’s smiling and laughing even though you want nothing more than to cease to exists. It’s losing everything you cared about but still keeping strong   It’s crying your eyes out sitting under a shower begging for it to be over begging a higher power to take this away from you but waking up and carrying on like you weren’t up all night silently screaming   It’s fighting for your kid everyday  everyday same hit difrent day and trying to find a purpose to what your doing. It’s loving something so much but having no motivation to do it even though your hearts saying keep going you will get there your heads screaming your wirthless and veryonr just pretends to like you because they feel sorry you they don’t actually want I be Friwnds.   It’s feeling scared that your going to lose everything but at the same On my way! wanting to give up. It’s te fear of failing and trying your hardest with everything even though getting full marks still wouldn’t be enough because your jot enough    But you keep going recovery isn’t smiles and rainbows it’s hard and anyone wh goes into it thinking they will feel happy and amazing everyday can think again   You will kitty like cry the most you’ve ever done and you will jut likely hate yourself more and more but you will make it because it can only get better right 

Inpatient 

My life is once more fucked 

I let everyone down once again good one taylor 

Pysch always wants “what’s best” but how can hospital be best. How can living with those thoughts everyday with nothing to distract you be okay   I want nothing more than this to end to finish everyday being the same sad crying miserable.  I tear everyone down with me. I make everyone miserable I have very few friends who still stand by and accept how much of a fuck up I actually am 

Everyday I fight stronger and stronger. Breaking point was Monday of this week having been up all night scared genuiley scared for my fucking life.  Lying in bed trying to sleep and hearing someone whisper “taylor were coming for you ” I was so scared and abosulety convinced I was going to die. Breaking my heart crying infact abosulety hysterical that someone was going to kill me. Contacted te out o hours where I was told “stop crying because only babies cry ” and “your making it up none of this has happened before ” when infact it has for months on end I’ve seen people outside my house. Following me and at my worst state even called the police for the cowboy outside my house waiting to kill me. Asking girls in college to take a picture of Jesus in the doctors roof because my camera riding zoom in enough.  Thinking my medication was poison and it was being used to control me and make me miserable convinced it was causing worms to eat me alive I could feel them wriggling and burrowing under my skin breaking my heart crying as I’m trying so Harv to cut them out and now all that happens is I’m left with horrendous scars being terffied because the illumanti  is trying to kill me and not answering my phone because I was convinced they were tapping into my phone. Abosuktey convinced my pysch was taking what I was thinking about out my head and that she was controlling me through power of medication that she was typing into her computer an emoution and I was feeling it and that she wanted me dead. I’ve been genuley terrified of this. All of last night unable to sleep because my heads going 500 miles an hour tossing and turning all night because all I kept hearing was whispering that I wasn’t able to make out what was being said I’ve never been more scared than I am right now and I would love nothing more than to be lying on a train line and just be over with living with this is exhausting me and no one knows. I’m constantly trying to drown out what’s being whispered with music because sometimes it does drown them out. It makes them not so loud it makes it easier to cope it doesn’t come from outside my head it’s inside like it’s a voice a scary male voice whispering to me telling me things telling me what to do and I’m sci cared that I am going to die I’m scared they’re going to kill me and I won’t be in control of it I’m scared it’s going to be painful and wing here is scaring me more not eating there food so they ant poison me 

Never have a been more scared i anything and I’ve never wanted it to end so much in all my life 

I know that all those people that apparently where “hallucinations” weren’t actually hallucinations infact they were actually people spying on me they were trying to kill me. I know hot they’ve been doing they brought me in here to spy on me and I didn’t even realise but now I do and they won’t let me leave because they want me dead I won’t trust any of them I just want this over with I wish they would just hurry up and kill me 

This has Brent he hardest week ever and never will I trust anyone again 

I know exactly what they’ve been doing I’ve been taking notes on my phone what I’m being told by the music I will get to the bottom of what they’re doing 

If someone rada this and can help get me out of here then please do because they’re driving me mad